Look, that evil Kenyan put a gun to our heads and forced us to take his filthy socialist money. We never should have done it — in fact, we never should have tried to survive at all. We should have been left to die. Creative destruction, y’know? That’s really the American way.
We’re sorry we exist. We’re sorry we’re still making cars, and directly and indirectly keeping hundreds of thousands of people employed. A real American president would have kicked our union thugs to the curb and cut them off without unemployment benefits. But since we’re all still here wasting America’s money by working and producing actual consumer goods rather than exotic financial instruments, maybe the few bleeding-heart liberals out there who aren’t too effeminate to be watching the Super Bowl could throw us a few bucks and buy a car. If you do that, of course, it’s because you hate America. But we know all you goddamn liberals really do hate America, so this is a perfect opportunity for you.
We’re Chrysler. Regrettably for America, we’re not going anywhere.