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Jesus was a pinko commie

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It’s that time of year where we celebrate a hodge-podge of Pagan and Christian stuff all brought together by Coca Cola in the 1930s under one of the most successful ad campaigns in history. Some people hate it for the consumerism that it breeds. Others love the deep sense of humanity and selflessness that go along with the season. I happen to love this time of year because it’s a great time to remind people that their favorite philosopher, Jesus, was a pinko commie of the highest order. In fact, some might just say he was Occupying Wall Street long before Wall Street began selling slaves:

“And he found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting: and he made a scourge of cords, and cast all out of the temple, both the sheep and the oxen; and he poured out the changers’ money, and overthrew their tables…” John 2:14-16

Get down Jesus!
But Jesus was more than just a pioneer of Occupy Wall Street. The Church he set up was the perfect example of a communist enterprise:

“For neither was there among them any that lacked: for as many as were possessors of the lands or houses sold them, and brought the prices of the things that were sold, and laid them at the apostles feet: and distribution was made unto each, according as anyone had need.” Acts 4:34-36

Nobody lacked in the early Church. Whatever you had was shared freely, “according to need.” This is, after all, the same guy who provided health care to the poor and fed the hungry. Hell he even helped turn a sad little wedding into one hell of a party by turning the water into wine! This is the same guy who filled the hungry and sent the rich away empty (Luke 1:53). In light of the nearly 6,000 Americans who have been arrested to protect the rich in this country, Jesus offered some great advice:

You have shown contempt for the poor, but is it not the rich who domineer over you? Is it not they who drag you into the law courts? (James 2:6)

It was Jesus who chose the poor to inherit the kingdom of heaven. It was Jesus who warned the rich (Luke 6:24). I had one friend make the point that while all this may be true, Jesus never used the word communism! No doubt. He and the early church never used a term that wouldn’t be invented for another 18 centuries. But if it talks like a commie and walks like a commie, chances are it’s a commie. And Jesus, my friends, was a pinko-commie if there ever was one.

  • DJ

    Amen! But I would take that a step further: the entire Old Testament tradition is about justice for the poor. Listening to modern-day preachers and politicians you might think it was about homosexuality and abortion and the death penalty. There are maybe– maybe– three references to homosexuality in the entire Bible, and that allows for translation errors. Abortion isn’t mentioned at all. And the death penalty, while practiced, was not at all what certain homicidal pseudo-Christians would have us believe.

    But justice for the poor is mentioned literally hundreds of times.

    “Since there will never cease to be some in need on the earth, I therefore command you, ‘Open your hand to the poor and needy neighbor in your land.'” Deuteronomy 15:11)

    “You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt. You shall not abuse any widow or orphan. If you do abuse them, when they cry out to me, I will surely heed their cry; my wrath will burn, and I will kill you with the sword, and your wives shall become widows and your children orphans.” (Exodus 22:21-24)

    “When an alien resides with you in your land, you shall not oppress the alien. The alien who resides with you shall be to you as the citizen among you; you shall love the alien as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt…” (Leviticus 19:33-34)

    “If you lend money to my people, to the poor among you, you shall not deal with them as a creditor; you shall not exact interest from them.” (Exodus 22:25)

    “[L]earn to do good; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow.” (Isaiah 1:17, explaining what Israel must do to regain favor with God.)

    “Ah, you who make iniquitous decrees, who write oppressive statutes, to turn aside the needy from justice and to rob the poor of my people of their right, that widows may be your spoil, and that you may make the orphans your prey! What will you do on the day of punishment, in the calamity that will come from far away?” (Isaiah 10:1-3)

    There are far too many passages to quote them all. It is, one might say, the primary theme of the Book. So why do you suppose we hear so little about it?

    “The prophets are prophesying lies in my name; I did not send them, nor did I command them or speak to them. They are prophesying to you a lying vision, worthless divination, and the deceit of their own minds.” (Jeremiah 14:14)

    Enough said?

  • graham

    the one problem with the above comment is the Leviticus quotes. That’s the book about locking women in a shed when they have their period, and with all the gay-hate, so people tend to ignore it a lot.

    • DJ

      Leviticus is both complex and misunderstood. It prescribes the death penalty for adulterers and those who commit incest and bestiality (homosexuality is barely mentioned), but it also insists that land cannot be permanently sold or taken from the family that owns it– after 50 years it must be returned. It allows slavery, but says slaves must be freed after seven years.

      Leviticus also sets up the rules for the priesthood, and prescribes the dietary laws that are associated with “kosher”– which dates the book to the time of the Exile, not the earlier books of law which predate it by several centuries. Its primary cultural purpose was to emphasize that there are categories that cannot be violated, and it is credited with helping the Jews as a people survive the exile. The Israelites had vanished when the Assyrians took them into exile two centuries earlier; the people of Judah did not want to do likewise, and in the absence of political leadership they turned to their priests.

      Nevertheless, and despite what we might consider its failings, it continues the theme of economic justice for the poor.

  • “…people tend to ignore it a lot.” Unless it suits their purpose.

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