Bumbling Bundy brothers, idiot cohorts go on trial in Oregon

The Bundy brothers attempted takeover of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge was comically botched. If you take over an area to make a political point, the area should have unmistakable political significance to the public you are trying to influence. The Bundys took over a bird sanctuary. Right. And the political importance of that is exactly what?

They had no coherent list of demands. Instead it was murky sovereign citizen babble. A list of demands needs to be short, clear, and easily understood. It should not be rambling incoherence. Really, it shouldn’t.

Here’s a tip. If you want people to take you seriously, never ever ask people to send you snacks. This makes you look like an idiot fourteen year old who is incapable of planning ahead and now really wants some Cheetos.

Do not compound this error by opening packages of what people sent you live on streaming media then curse when it is gallons of sexual lubricant and not Cheetos. Because really, this just makes you look like a random nutcase.

So, the trial has started in Oregon. The outcome is preordained. Federal trials have a 90% conviction rate and the defendants helpfully provided the prosecution all the information it needed, thanks to their video streaming and social media babbling. Their defense, if you can even call it that, is sovereign citizen gibberish.

Marcus Mumford, a lawyer for Ammon Bundy, told the court the peaceful demonstration was an effort to draw attention to the federal government’s illegal control and mismanagement of public lands. He said Bundy was attempting to invoke a provision of the law known as adverse possession to retake land improperly seized by the federal government many decades ago.

U.S. District Judge Anna Brown told Mumford arguments over adverse possession were not relevant to the case and similarly rejected Ryan Bundy’s request to hand each member of the jury a pocket-sized copy of the U.S. Constitution.

“The jurors may not have your pocket Constitution,” Brown said. “You may alert the jury to what the evidence will show as to your state of mind.”

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