Manhattan dominatrix offers discount to ex-Bear Stearns employees

Her services include:

-Domestic service training (useful in preparing for future job as a janitor at Goldman Sachs)

-Spanking combined with verbal chastising (“Caused!” -whack- “Sub-prime!” -whack- “Crisis!” -whack- “Very!” -whack- “Very!” -whack- “Naughty!” -whack whack whack-)

-78 cane strokes (number chosen to represent the difference between Bear Stearns’ $80 per share book value and the actual current share price of $2)

-Interrogation roleplay (I am Coughlin Stoia and you are Bear Stearns. Helpful in preparing for upcoming deposition)

-Master/slave roleplay (I am JP Morgan and you are Bear Stearns. Now I own you)

All of which echoes Wayne Kramer’s lyric from “Something Broken in the Promised Land“, “There’s a self improvement tape called ‘Getting Used to Poverty'”.

NYC real estate, restaurants, and upscale stores will be taking a big hit as the money spigot shuts down, what with all the coming layoffs at investment banks. Will there be a flood of new books and seminars advising people how downsizing can be fun? Possibilities include “Advantages to owning a Yugo – No one wants to steal it!,” “Accessorizing your 500 sq ft apartment,” “Adventures in Eating – Rethinking Bob’s Big Boy,” and “How to Use an ATM machine When You No Longer Have Staff to Do It For You.” (That last one is based on a true story I heard about a wealthy Wall Street type who literally did not know how to use an ATM.)