Don’t tase me, says Smokey

Don’t tase me, ranger

The U.S. Forest Service is buying 700 tasers for its rangers, presumably as protection against vicious attack jackalopes. Proposed regulations banning moose from having antlers and bears from having claws appear to be “tragically unworkable” according to a spokesperson who, upon closer questioning, admitted to never actually going into a national park because the outdoors is “scary.”