(By Sue and Bob)
LA Outsiders (folks not residing in Los Angeles):
* Don’t know traffic. They think they do, but believe me, they don’t. Those who haven’t driven for one hour and not yet passed the next exit ramp — or who haven’t been delayed for hours by a gawker’s block (“Look! A shoe! By the side of the road!”) — or who haven’t seen the sky fade to the color of putridity while their Starbucks coffee grows cold and rancid in the cupholder — They Don’t Know.
* Think everyone in LA is laid back and relaxed. “Surf’s up, dude.” Well … no. Most LA denizens have a bad case of the “LA Meanies”. You would too, if you Knew Traffic.
* Ask where they can find famous people. Take tours that stop on Rodeo Drive and Hollywood & Vine — where the famous people aren’t. Hint: the famous people — most of them, anyway — try to lay low or get out of town.
* Move to Hollywood dreaming they’ll make it big in the movies. Maybe they will. Or maybe they’ll get on-the-job training in food service.
* Have a genuine horror of cold weather. (You mean you actually went outside when it was 25 and didn’t die?)
* Can’t spell half the places of New England. Hint: the second ‘c’ in Connecticut is silent. Worcester is pronounced woo-stah. The trick to spelling Massachusetts is knowing when to stop the esses. Does this clear things up?
* Have never seen a 70 year-old woman without a face lift. (“Look! Yoda!”)
* Give remarkably accurate Richter Scale estimates seconds after an earthquake has rattled through beneath them.