Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside them, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition – back in 1/2 an hr. Don’t disturb the pit bulls, they’ve just been wormed."
Sent via a redneck Buddhist friend. Yes, I said "redneck Buddhist" – but that’s a whole story in itself.