“Widespread signs of deceleration” says Fed. Spinmeisters mobilize

The Beige Report, a widely watched economic report from the Fed, reported nationwide signs of a deceleration in growth. This will of course, make the talking head cheerleaders (how’s that for mixing metaphors!) exceedingly grumpy. But mark my words, they will try to spin this into good news anyway. Let’s see if we can anticipate what they will say.

“The deceleration was slower than previously projected, said market observers, thus lending more credence to the belief that the economy has bottomed out and is recovering.”

I call this The It-Can’t-Get-Any-Worse ploy. Therefore, it must be about to get better. (Except if it doesn’t.)

“Uncalled for worries that the economy was worsening has led to a mini-boom in handgun stocks, as well in companies manufacturing survivalist gear and also in private prisons. Canny investors are loading up on these stocks now.”

AKA “A capitalist will sell you rope on Monday for a revolution on Tuesday in which he gets hung on Wednesday.” But the shareholders will be happy, and that’s what counts!

“The dollar remains the default currency of the world, and a safe haven in troubled times.”

Hey, you could be in Greece or Ireland now, where the economy has really imploded. But that can’t happen here, even if we momentarily forget why.

However, when all else fails, blame someone else.

“An orgy of frugality by consumers is hampering growth. Instead of spending and borrowing, they are saving. Stern remedial efforts need to be taken immediately so we can create another bubble.

You probably thinkI made that one up, right?

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