Aquanomics gets snarky about Fiji Water

Hey, David Zetland of Aquanomics went to Fiji to interview Fiji Water but they canceled, so he had to, um, improvise.

How much FW is sold/donated in Fiji? What are the top five countries, with share of your total sales?

Stuei: We donate over 400 bottles of water per year in Fiji. The President Dictator Our Friend love those little bottles. We sell water in Fiji, at the same low price that LA celebs pay. Most of our water sells in the US, where people are too worried about their health to exercise, too paranoid to believe that tap water is drinkable, and too uneducated to see through our clean crisp marketing. My favorite place to sell Fiji is in Aspen — I love to ski on that snow, but hate to drink it.

Where are your plastic bottles made? Virgin or recycled plastic? Is there a bottle recycling program on Fiji? What % of bottles does it pickup? Any recycling stats for FW bottles in the US?

Stuei: We make ’em in China, where it’s easy to get 8 year olds on the lines, and we can dump our waste next to the road. Although I hate to say “Virgin” (Fucking Branson), I LOOOVE virgin costs. We take blood oil from Iran and Sudan, refine it in to bottles with slave labor from Burma, and then ship the empties to our plant on North Korean ships that just delivered missiles to Yemeni freedom fighters. How are the bottles so clear and square? We take crutches from all those one-legged Afghanis and use them to pull the bottles through a solution of butterfly wings, shark fins and rhino feet. Gotta love that quality. Recycling? Yeah, we do that. We dump the bottles in the ocean and then wait 400 million years for plate-tectonics to turn those suckers into new oil. Bam!


  • I was just in Fiji for about a week and I didn’t get to see the Fiji plant (no surprise there). I don’t have much to add – the water is stupid, we know that if we’re reading this.

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