The Fox News Employee Entrance Exam

In response to the sometimes quite funny conservative blast against the New York Times, “The New York Times’ Employee Entrance Exam,” we offer our “Fox News Employee Entrance Exam.”

1. Rumor has it the Arab in the next room will remotely detonate a nuclear bomb in NYC in one hour. Your response is to:

a) torture him live on Fox News:
b) check your makeup, then torture him.
c) blame liberals for allowing him in the country, then torture him.
d) check that the rumor is accurate before taking action by notifying authorities. (A HA HA HA HA, just kidding.)

2. The War in Iraq:

a) is something to studiously ignore because the news is so bad it can’t be spun our way anymore.
b) proves Islamofascistterrorists control the Democratic Party.
c) while the above makes no logical sense it should still be used to slime our political opponents.

3. The distinct possibility of having to say “Madame President”:

a) makes me want to run screaming from the room.
b) proves Islamofascistterrorists control the Democratic Party.
c) shows that Ann Coulter was right. We never should have given women the right to vote.
d) or allowed anyone besides white male landowners to vote, for that matter.

4. That most neocons above the age of fifty successfully dodged the draft during the Vietnam War demonstrates:

a) their deep and abiding patriotism and support of the troops.
b) see answer 2 c.

5. George Soros:

a) makes my brain hurt because he’s a billionaire and progressive – which should be impossible, but apparently isn’t.
b) is Satan.

6. Antiwar protesters are dirty hippies who love the terrorists and hate freedom.

a) true
b) not false

7. Your response to the “global warming crisis” is to:

a) buy stock in Canadian oil drilling companies in advance of them being able to drill in the now-open Northwest Passage.
b) ridicule global warming activists while doing a).
c) find a crackpot scientist who will “prove” global warming isn’t happening, then feature him repeatedly on my news show.

8. The Republican candidates for president in 2008:

a) make me want to urp.
b) where are the real conservatives among them, I ask you, where are the real conservatives???
c) we need to change the Constitution so Rupert can run (do I get the job now?)

  • DJ

    “where are the real conservatives among them, I ask you, where are the real conservatives???”

    A valid question, nonetheless. These big-spending, deficit-bloating, pro-foreign-adventurism neo-con liberals who want to create a utopia through legislation (even though it’s a Christian one) SHOULD make us want to urp. They represent the worst liberalism has to offer– and precious little you could call conservative.

    How I long for fiscal responsibility, mind-your-own-business foreign policy, sensible resource usage, and keeping government’s nose out of my (and your) personal affairs! Remember when “conservative” meant smaller government and fewer laws? Those days are gone.

  • First off, thank you DJ, for suggesting the idea for this post!

    Andrew Sullivan also wants to bring back the type of conservatism you speak of.

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