In response to the sometimes quite funny conservative blast against the New York Times, “The New York Times’ Employee Entrance Exam,” we offer our “Fox News Employee Entrance Exam.”

1. Rumor has it the Arab in the next room will remotely detonate a nuclear bomb in NYC in one hour. Your response is to:

a) torture him live on Fox News:
b) check your makeup, then torture him.
c) blame liberals for allowing him in the country, then torture him.
d) check that the rumor is accurate before taking action by notifying authorities. (A HA HA HA HA, just kidding.)

2. The War in Iraq:

a) is something to studiously ignore because the news is so bad it can’t be spun our way anymore.
b) proves Islamofascistterrorists control the Democratic Party.
c) while the above makes no logical sense it should still be used to slime our political opponents.

3. The distinct possibility of having to say “Madame President”:

a) makes me want to run screaming from the room.
b) proves Islamofascistterrorists control the Democratic Party.
c) shows that Ann Coulter was right. We never should have given women the right to vote.
d) or allowed anyone besides white male landowners to vote, for that matter.

4. That most neocons above the age of fifty successfully dodged the draft during the Vietnam War demonstrates:

a) their deep and abiding patriotism and support of the troops.
b) see answer 2 c.

5. George Soros:

a) makes my brain hurt because he’s a billionaire and progressive - which should be impossible, but apparently isn’t.
b) is Satan.

6. Antiwar protesters are dirty hippies who love the terrorists and hate freedom.

a) true
b) not false

7. Your response to the “global warming crisis” is to:

a) buy stock in Canadian oil drilling companies in advance of them being able to drill in the now-open Northwest Passage.
b) ridicule global warming activists while doing a).
c) find a crackpot scientist who will “prove” global warming isn’t happening, then feature him repeatedly on my news show.

8. The Republican candidates for president in 2008:

a) make me want to urp.
b) where are the real conservatives among them, I ask you, where are the real conservatives???
c) we need to change the Constitution so Rupert can run (do I get the job now?)

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No, I am not making this up…

Superstitious junta members believe that any contact with female undergarments - clean or dirty - will sap them of their power.

“Not only are they brutal, but they are also very superstitious. They believe that touching a woman’s pants or sarong will make them lose their strength.”

Therefore, pro-freedom activists have been sending lots of panties to Burmese embassies everywhere, part of the “Panties for Peace” campaign.

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And in what hellhole is this slow death by torture happening? An ally of the United States, that’s where.

The reaction from the White House and Congress is, of course, crickets. Seems they only criticize countries who are not allies for human rights violations and cast a blind eye to genuinely repulsive regimes like in Uzbekistan and Saudi Arabia.

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Prodded by Treasury Secretary, major banks along with PIMCO and Fidelity are planning to raise 80-100 billion for a Save-The-SIV superfund. SIV’s (Structured Investment Vehicles) are yet another of the exotic, highly leveraged Wall Street “investments” that have gone seriously south these past few months.

This budding crisis appears to have the powers-that-be seriously worried, hence the calling in of the Big Dogs to create a bailout fund. Could the Big Dogs make big bucks buying SIVs on the cheap? Maybe. More to the point, if the superfund buys SIVs, the investment banks won’t have to sell theirs at fire sale prices. Even if they in effect would be selling them to themselves via the superfund. Confused? Ya. I bet they are too. And desperately trying to buy time.

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Yup, that’s what they’re doing in North Carolina…

BTW, the greenest states are also the most liberal - no big surprise there, if you think about it.

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Simsbury CT

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