Rumors that a shadowy White House task force known only as AFD has been investigating leftist organizations appear to be true. Massive COINTELPRO-like monitoring of antiwar groups has been occurring, with AFD intercepting and reading all email sent and received by organizers, as well as listening to their cell phone calls. Apparently the volume of email and phone calls being monitored is so large that supercomputers are needed to track it all and entire office buildings are being filled with these snoops, many of whom now specialize in one group or even just one person.
However, this has become problematic for them. Sources tell Polizeros that attempted surveillance on Not In Our Name had to be halted because no one could get a handle on that group’s revolving door of organizers. “This clearly is symptomatic of a deliberate attempt to obfuscate and non-delineate the inherent structuralization of their organizational capabilities,” said Dirk Hammerjaw, AFD NION ‘expert’, before lapsing into complete semantic incoherence.
Medea Benjamin of Code Pink came in for special attention too. Given her media visibility, she has several ex-FBI agents who now work for AFD tracking her. However, leaked records show that they’ve spent several months and thousands of hours trying to prove she is communist because, “how could she not be a pinko when the name is Code Pink.”
Two lead organizers for the ANSWER Coalition, long-time organizers and brothers Brian and Richard Becker, have a small department monitoring them. Yet investigators appear to not be able to tell the difference between the two brothers and routinely spend excessive amounts of taxpayer’s money trying to divine the secret plans of ANSWER instead of just going to that organization’s home page. “They couldn’t be hiding what they do on their website, so we’re analyzing every email, phone call they made, and every meeting they’ve been to in the past three years to accurately determine what the alleged antiwar aim of the ANSWER Coalition is really about,” said an unnamed AFD investigator. When asked why they kept confusing the two brothers, he appeared defensive and changed the subject.
The AFD database program has cost millions of dollars to create. However, initial tests were disappointing. After hundreds of thousands of intercepted emails to antiwar organizers were fed into, then analyzed by the database, results said the organizers were clearly linked to subprime mortgage schemes, Nigeria bank scams, and Make Your Woody Bigger pills. Some investigators then replied to these emails, trying to uncover the supposed links. However the amount of spam, DOS attacks, spybots, and viruses they received in reply crashed governmental servers, as well as bankrupting some of the more gullible AFD agents, one of whom said, “this is no joke.”
The famously liberal W, who has given us bigger government, bigger budgets, and restrictions on freedom surpassing even those of LBJ, probably can’t tell the difference between a red and a red state. Who says anti-war is leftist, anyway??? I’m offended!
Happy April 1.