The top 100 things I’d do if I was an evil overlord

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

When I’ve captured my adversary and
he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this
is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought
I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

I will never employ any device with a
digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely
unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and
the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will maintain a realistic
assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some
of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No,
this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually

I will be neither chivalrous nor
sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early
and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

My main computers will have their own
special operating system that will be completely incompatible with
standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

Finally, to keep my subjects
permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them
with free unlimited Internet access.

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