Warning, this is NOT satire. Repeat, this is NOT satire
FBI urges police to watch for people carrying almanacs
The FBI is warning police nationwide to be alert for people carrying almanacs, cautioning that the popular reference books covering everything from abbreviations to weather trends could be used for terrorist planning.
Yes, that’s right. Almanacs. “Drop that Old Farmer’s Almanac“, you terrorist disguised as a granny, you…
Richard Forno of InfoWarrior rightfully rants:
This news item borders on the obscenely stupid. I received the below FBI alert in the mail earlier today. Granted, Homeland Security has been a joke since the phrase was invented on September 12, 2001 — but this goes beyond a joke and past ‘pathetic’ into the downright embarassing stage.
Finally, I think it’s hysterical that the FBI has the audacity to deem this “Law Enforcement Sensitive” and request it not be transmitted in public forums, websites, or to the media. Of course not – if that happened, people might begin to wonder what kind of incompetence our tax dollars are paying for.
Hey, let’s have a contest to figure out what else the FBI, in their brain-dead wisdom, should “monitor” or ban!
Cell phones: Terrorists could use them to talk to each other, as well as to send text messages and email. BE CAREFUL! That fifteen year old you see text messaging her friends could in reality be an Al Quada agent.
Cars: Can’t have people being able to visit other people, especially not without John Ashcroft knowing about. Lets ban cars or put tracking devices on them, except for those owned by god-fearing right-wing fundamentalists of course.
Parkas: Well, liberals will whimper that parkas are needed in cold weather, but it’s achingly clear these bulky puffy garments could conceal any number of weapons or bombs. Ban them all.
It occurs to me that our government has gotten so paranoid about terrorism, with all these wacky alerts, that maybe the Other Side(s) have successfully launched massive Psy-Ops campaigns against us. As in, let’s make them think we’re doing all sorts of stuff and drive them nuts trying to figure out what it is. Which, of course, could be cover for a real attack.
Or maybe the better answer is, our government is staffed by dolts. Maybe they never heard about the boy who cried wolf.
PS Hmmm, this calls for performance art, like peace vigils where in addition to the signs and banners, everyone is holding almanacs. Or feisty marches – people holding their almanacs high, chanting “give me almanacs or give me death”.
Addendum: DJ Mitchell writes
On the list of subversive documents, I’d guess the Farmer’s Almanac ranks right up there with the Bill of Rights and the Bible.
Word is the Pentagon is massing troops for a major assault on that hotbed of terrorism where the Almanac is published: Peterborough, NH.
You can bet Al Queda is consulting the Almanac to learn how caterpillars predict the severity of the winter. Weather is, after all, of great strategic importance.