From: John Ashcroft, US Attorney General
To: Tom Ridge: Department of Homeland Security
Subject: Santa Claus: Threat to the nation
This Santa character. We need to keep an eye on him. He dresses in red and appears to be a ringleader for wealth distribution across the planet, with this giving-away-toys-for-free ploy of his. Seems like a damn Socialist to me. And I find those talking reindeer flying through the sky to be highly suspect. Witchcraft, that’s what it is!
However Santa does have a potentially highly useful list of who’s been good and who’s been naughty. If we could gain control of this list, it could prove useful in our fight against terrorism – and against our political enemies too!
I propose we preemptively arrest this Santa character on some pretext, cruelty to reindeer or violating labor laws by making the elves work without overtime pay. Yes, we will have to arrest him based on those noxious liberal animal cruelty and labor laws, painful as this may be to us – however, hear me out.
We arrest Santa, then lean on him. Sleep deprivation, etc. Let’s get that naughty/nice list! Feed it into Department of Homeland Security computers, and I’ll bet we’ll be able to indict, prosecute and jail tens of thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands!
Have a blessed Christmas!
Further thoughts regarding the S.A.N.T.A. conspiracy: Elves — are they undocumented alien migrant worker agent provocateurs?
Fact #1: They accept slave wages. In fact, they work for nothing. Obviously, they are undocumented, for what worker possessing proper valid identification would work for less than minimum wage?
Fact #2: They speak “elf,” hithertofore unknown to government linguists, perhaps of the Indo-chinese branch of languages. Then again, it could be code.
Fact #3: They are short — very short — and strangely dressed. Obviously not of Anglo-American extraction, hence by nature, suspect. They wear small green uniforms in an ornate Turkish military style.
Fact #4: They toil for the furtherance of the redistribution of worldwide wealth.
Re: the leader of S.A.N.T.A. He distributes to the “good” toys such as DVD players and Britney Spears CD’s. The “bad” receive charcoal. Could this be a plot to redirect the most promising possible future executives away from the oil and gas industries, by brainwashing them that “coal” and other energy sources are “bad”?
Re: the reindeer. Weapons of Moosely Defecation? Laugh if you will, but I find it a strange and ominous coincidence.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
(The “further thoughts concerning the S.A.N.T.A. conspiracy” are from Deep Audit. The rest, I take full blame for!)