The Department of Homeland Security has alerted Scotland that the Loch Ness Monster Formerly Known as Nessie, is, in fact, a highly trained Al Quaida terrorist operative. This photo shows “Nessie” successfully escaping from a Navy SEAL squad last week.
When asked why Al Quaida would be in Scotland, insiders theorized they had fled from Afghanistan to a secretive hideout in or around Loch Ness and were planning a terrorist assault upon Norway. “It appears we will have to poison or bomb most of the lochs in Scotland in order to free them from terrorism”, one staffer noted, adding they expected the usual whiny resistance from the local governing bodies involved.
Highly placed sources in the White House were quoted off the record as saying “Scots do make great whiskey, but darn it we have to bomb them out of their kilts and back to the Stone Age. It’s the only way to make the world safe for those who love freedom. And I damn sure will miss their whiskey.”