Will sunspots affect the election outcome? What about cow methane?

The presidential horse race is just SO CLOSE that mainstream media is just gobsmacked and promises to cover it incessantly and unendingly.

These are crucial issues. Mainstream media wants to know the answers. Wolf Blitzer will be all over the election outcome story, providing crucial info about dramatic possible turns in voting patterns by Albanian midgets which could be absolutely and totally crucial in determining who wins the election. It’s a horse race! And by God, CNN and the rest of the mainstream media will be breathlessly bringing you horse race 24/7 even if the outcome is already a foregone conclusion. Because that’s way easier than pressing candidates on their lies and avoidance of discussing actual options.