category

Venture capitalists invest in Somali pirates

Sharp-eyed investors say Indian Ocean piracy has replaced Bangladeshi t-shirt factories as the developing world’s strongest source of high-growth revenue streams.

Julian Cook, head of strategy at Porter, Pinkney and Turner (PPT), said: “The margins are very impressive. These guys can board a Chinese freighter or Saudi oil tanker and turn it around in less than a week. Usually without killing anyone.

“The staff are well-trained and they operate a structured bonus system involving the daughters of nomadic tribal chiefs and as much hallucinogenic tree bark as they can eat.

PPT has paid £25.7 million for a 32% stake in Captain Ahmed’s Crazee Bastards with the initial tranche used for capital purchases including new speed boats, 200 yards of very strong rope and a gun the size of a cow.

Well PPT, if you have little bitty ideas, then you’ll just have little bitty successes. Think big! That’s what’s needed here. The pirates need serious weaponry and boats. Once you sell to to them, then you can sell guns to the other sides too. Selling weapons to both sides is a time-honored and proven money-making technique, best utilized by those unencumbered with a conscience. But, if you’re backing pirates, then those pesky morality issues aren’t really an issue, are they?

But the real money lies elsewhere. Movies. Merchandising. Video games. Get Disney to do “Pirates of the Indian Ocean” with Johnny Depp in the lead. You’ll make way more from the merchandising alone than those pirates will get in ransom for that entire Saudi oil tanker!

Then, since the pirates will probably get greedy and ask for too much money, just do a reality show with them on it and have Blackwater do a surprise attack and kill them all. Can you imagine the ratings that would get!

  • I can’t help but admire a structured bonus system involving the daughters of nomadic tribal chiefs and as much hallucinogenic tree bark as they can eat. Didn’t somebody(ies) write a book, and invent a two thousand year bane on civilization, out of that?

  • DJ

    Hmm, haven’t we already fought a war or two against well-armed and -organized pirates? Looks like someone may have to do it again. (That’s a heck of a downside risk for the investors!)

  • > haven’t we already fought a war or two against well-armed and -organized pirates?

    You mean the current war against Wall Street investment bankers?

    The smart money is currently cornering the market in hallucinogenic tree bark and are creating Structured Investment Vehicles out of them.

  • DJ

    Actually I was referring to the two Barbary Wars we fought in 1801ff and 1815.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbary_Wars