The rules

(Ok, it’s a really slow news day, and I just found this on an old computer…)

1.- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2.- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3.- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4.- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

5.- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6.- As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7.- If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

8.- Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

9.- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

  • It’s so slow I watched part of Jurassic Park on the tube, so yeah, don’t mess with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re pretty darned sure you’ve got a handle on chaos theory.

    “God” creates dinosaurs, “God” destroys dinosaurs. “God” creates Man, Man destroys “God”. Man creates dinosaurs… Woman inherits the earth.

  • Never watch video tapes with random disturbing, grainy, black and white images. Make sure you don’t watch them after your friends are being knocked off. Learn from their mistakes.

  • Sue

    Never say to the interviewer, ‘I never pay taxes. I let the little people pay taxes.’ Because I.R.S. agents watch t.v. (listen to radio, read magazines & newspapers, etc). too, y’know.

  • And the IRS can be far scarier than the Beast in the Basement.

    The Venice Beach Chain Saw Juggler once went on a local talk show and said, yeah, on good weekends I make $500-600 a day in cash.

    Big mistake, An IRS agent was watching the show…