(Ok, it’s a really slow news day, and I just found this on an old computer…)
1.- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
2.- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3.- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4.- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
5.- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6.- As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7.- If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.
8.- Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
9.- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.