The rules

(Ok, it’s a really slow news day, and I just found this on an old computer…)

1.- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2.- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3.- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4.- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

5.- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6.- As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7.- If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

8.- Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

9.- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.


  1. It’s so slow I watched part of Jurassic Park on the tube, so yeah, don’t mess with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re pretty darned sure you’ve got a handle on chaos theory.

    “God” creates dinosaurs, “God” destroys dinosaurs. “God” creates Man, Man destroys “God”. Man creates dinosaurs… Woman inherits the earth.

  2. Never watch video tapes with random disturbing, grainy, black and white images. Make sure you don’t watch them after your friends are being knocked off. Learn from their mistakes.

  3. Never say to the interviewer, ‘I never pay taxes. I let the little people pay taxes.’ Because I.R.S. agents watch t.v. (listen to radio, read magazines & newspapers, etc). too, y’know.

  4. And the IRS can be far scarier than the Beast in the Basement.

    The Venice Beach Chain Saw Juggler once went on a local talk show and said, yeah, on good weekends I make $500-600 a day in cash.

    Big mistake, An IRS agent was watching the show…

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.