ArcticWorld. The ice is gone, let the fun begin!

Now that all the dumb, stupid ice in the Arctic is finally melting, an international consortium of entertainment parks, oil companies, and private military corporations is planning to develop that once-useless wasteland into a world class amusement and recreation center called ArcticWorld.

Among its many features

Water slides off icebergs into the Artic Ocean (“If we can still find any icebergs, that is”, chortles one of the developers, “if not, we’ll get Disney to build a simulation.”)

Nature safaris to view polar bears, reindeer, caribou, and walrus. (In the event of extreme and unexpectedly sudden climate change, ArcticWorld reserves the right to substitute animals from different climate zones.)

Meet an Inuit. (Or, if the climate has changed too radically, perhaps a Samoan instead.)

Oil rig tours. Take a tour on an actual drilling rig, as there are expected to be thousands of them in the Arctic soon. (Note: as the oil-rich Arctic is currently claimed by 14 different nations, oil rig tour security will be provided by Icewater, a subsidiary of Blackwater, as attacks by unfriendly nations on competing rigs have been known to occur.)

And finally, thrill to the Aurora Borealis, that spectacular light show in the sky provided by Mother Nature – enhanced for your viewing pleasure with laser shows, booming soundtracks, Las Vegas performers, and exploding glaciers at the finale!

  • Don’t forget the submarine adventure rides. Riders will be able to see the Russian and other flags flying(?) from the sea floor. The oil leaks that bubble upward refract light so beautifully when viewed from the bottom up. It is a very different type of light show! The underside of the Artic will be grand!