“The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of a sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced “gonna re-elect him”). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past four years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease. Cognitive sequelae in individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include but are not limited to the following:
- Anti-social personality disorder traits.
- Delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor.
- Chronic mangling of the English language.
- Extreme cognitive dissonance.
- Inability to incorporate new information.
- Pronounced xenophobia.
- Inability to accept responsibility for one’s own actions.
- Exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado.
- Uncontrolled facial smirking.
- Ignorance of geography and history.
- Tendency toward creating evangelical theocracies.
- A strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.
This epidemic is out of control. It has already resulted in brain death in more than 59,000,000 Americans. New CDC Director Archbishop Burke has ordered a halt to research into this disease after determining that it is incurable and is merely God’s will. Apparently, however, at least 55,000,000 Americans have a natural immunity to this disorder and are poised to lead a brief but exciting life right after the rapture begins and our afflicted fellow Americans ascend to their eternal reward.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few years ago in a Texas Bush. “